Marriage/Relationship Counseling for Men
Letter From a Client
This letter (printed with permission) is from a client who recently completed couples counseling with his wife. I asked him if he had advice for men seeking therapy services. His wife is referred to with the pseudonym "Kate."
"I can’t thank you enough for how you helped Kate and I through a difficult time. I feel so much more connected to her and am so glad that we came to you when we did.
In regards to what we spoke about at the end of our last session I have given it some thought because I think that many men (heck every man I know for that matter) feels the way I felt before heading into the first session:
We (men) view therapy as trivial because we act under the mistaken guidance that feelings are the bailiwick of women. We feel that actions, not feeling, drive what matters in life. What I learned from the very first therapy session that actions can and are driven by feelings. Those feelings can be taken from the smallest emotion and can simmer for years. We even have those feelings and never know about them. I think in our hearts most men know this but frankly we are too frightened to open the basement door and see what’s down there.
I know I was. I can’t tell you how afraid I was of our first appointment. I just knew that I would be raked over the coals as it would rapidly be uncovered that it was all my fault. That fear proved to be unfounded in about 20 seconds. Your words that “there would be some hard things said” but that we just had to listen to what was behind those words really resounded with me. It put me immediately at ease.
I knew almost immediately that at least from my perspective that we had made the right choice to come to therapy. It opened my eyes to how the basics of a relationship never change. We think and hope they do because we are under the belief that it makes it easier. So we fall into our roles. For men that means complaining that we have no freedom, need a man cave, etc. When in fact the things Kate needs from me are the same things she needed from day one and vice versa. For my part I forgot that and never learned to communicate myself properly when she forgot what I needed.
In a nutshell that’s what I learned. The specifics of what Kate needs from me may change as life goes on, but that the basis of what those needs are never do. It’s the specifics that get us and got me. I just didn’t know it at the time. I know it now and am that much the better for it.
In short what did therapy do for me? It taught me that it’s ok to want things and it is ok to talk about those things. More importantly, it taught me that when things aren’t going smoothly that it’s ok to admit that it’s not. In fact it’s essential and really is preventative maintenance for a relationship. We learned how to have a proper and constructive disagreement which sounds odd but it is the truth. We talk more and say less. Our disagreements are fewer and when they happen they are constructive. In the process I gained independence of a sort that I have never had in a relationship. I have seen a change in Kate that is also great to see and in the process she gained her place in the relationship as well. We are truly partners for the first time.
What would I say to men who might think therapy does not work or is not for them (i.e. they are frightened of the process): It’s the old cliché, free your mind and your butt will follow. The overall fix might take time but that the positive results begin almost immediately. We got the best part of our relationship back and became partners. I can’t tell you how good that is to have…
Judith L. Sloan-Price, LCSW is a psychotherapist and Austin marriage counselor. You can email her jsptherapy@yahoo.com or call (512) 336-9331.
June 29, 2010, Austin, Texas.
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